THIS IS PART TWO OF A RESTORATION OF ARCTIC EXPEDITION ARTICLES ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE 2006 SEASON THROUGH THE END OF 2007.
”There was a terrible ice storm that afternoon he first came to camp…temperatures around 50 below zero, so cold you could practically feel your skin turn to stone. I found 4 penguins in the bullpen the next morning frozen to death, laying on the floor with their faces half buried in the ice, one of them covering up a secret diary Zumaya had been using to figure out the true meaning of Pronk. [This eventually led to allegations Reggie Sanders sold cocaine to Justin Huber and a highly intoxciated Coco Crisp leading a graveyard pillaging looking for Thurman Munsons lost treasure (Crisp was arrested the same night for public indecency and reckless driving---twice) ] It was the kind of afternoon when the Expedition would gather around for the weekly scrabble tournament (Ohka banned Monopoly after Expeditor Fielder refused to recycle an unopened can of coke…and Candy Land was banned when Bannister invited Bartolo Colon over and he bitched over the excessive air conditioning and Peanubutter Sandwich night with no bread or plates). We were sitting around the Frosty Trout Bar, sipping on some MGD’s when we saw the door bust open, and expeditor Kearns said that a strange man was standing out in the middle of the Ice Storm not moving or saying a word, just staring at Ohka’s apartment. We walked outside to investigate and sure enough, a hard throwing Dominican left hander was just staring through Ohka’s window without moving. A few minutes later, expeditor salty knocked on Ohka’s door, and out came Ohka with some rather chilling news. ‘I awoke this afternoon to find a mirror by the side of my bed that i had never seen before, i looked into the mirror and I saw a reflection of myself in a hurricane, in a flood, and in a forest fire…and when I stepped away from the mirror the words “Natural Disasters” were carved into my wall in blood, a minute later I received a phone call with no answer on the other line, then a letter slipped under the door saying ‘Leave on your own terms, or leave on my terms’—The Expedition Guardian, minutes later, my windows shattered , my unopened beer bottles disappeared into thin air, and my autographed Papelbon Pez dispenser melted before my eyes. Then this man just appeared outside, and has been staring at me ever since, I’ve been informed by higher authorities that my time is up’ Ohka took a bag of skittles, a dead raccoon, and some scrap paper, and headed west. The man standing outside assumed immediate control of the Expedition, and made sweeping organizational changes through newly appointed Vice Guardian Markakis. Markakis banished several players from ever returning to the ice and from experiencing stress related symptoms after 4:00 in the afternoon. Expedition Guardian Liriano is in a state of permanent meditation in the middle of a nearby glacier, and does not take kindly to interruptions. He is believed to possess unnatural powers and can supposedly charge Triple A batteries by merely using his eyes. The crime rate is down, the attendance remains zero, and participation at Expedition Church is now at 100%. The Expedition has found its savior, a holy man that came from the far reaches of a frozen wasteland not yet explored, and not yet understood by the distinguished Taproot community. Expedition Marriage Counselor Myers Out.”
Tags: austin kearns, bartolo colon, brett myers, brian bannister, candy land, coco crisp, coke, dominican, expedition guardian, flood, forest fire, francisco liriano, Frosty Trout, hurricane, ice storm, joel zumaya, lost treasure, monopoly, natural disasters, Nick Markakis, peanutbutter, penguins, prince fielder, reggie sanders, secret diary, skittles, thurman munson
